these components

my collected self vs.
my whole self.
could i be getting closer to
my soul-self
under one astrological incarnation?

these furious memories:
i've been to earth.
i've died.
the human SELF is to story-search;
there is no wrong in spiritual discovery
but i tell my desires
of possession-abandonment
to suppress themselves
for the worldly-void of impulse.

i let the soul rest
and take on
personality.
i let myself feel heated--it is
more obscene to my mind
than kindly refrain.

it is too effortless for I
to believe in the Holy Neutral
so i let the fishes rage.
i let myself
unkind,
speaking of myself
as if i were proper subject matter.

i speak of it
because we are them same
and as US
we are every subject
that matters.

i do not want to detach
as human
from humanity.

spiritual gain is human loss.

i want to feel every emotion, i want
to orgasm. i want the dilemma and drama
of morning thru night.

it is most spiritual.

there is bitter love
and sweet fear.

there must be for these words exist.

my scattered self;
my silent self.
the confusion of incarnation
is what makes the most sense.
these changes and feeling the same,
these normalities and the slip to sanity
vs
the natural.

when i awaken i will smile in reflection.