ernst

the way i held my face
i found a salty tear at my lips.
these last moments keep me transfixed
in fascination.

i was enjoying the peace of meditation
revealing energy and dwelling within it.
my brother burst into my room
carrying two small containers.
he tells me quickly to help him, that on of
the fishes fell and has almost no water left.
i am disappointed for this interruption,
but i cannot ignore the dying fish!
as i prepare new homes for the creatures
my brother explains to me the ridiculous exploits
to result in all this: he and some friends
stole two beta fishes, literally put the cups into
their jackets in order to watch them battle each other
though the plans did not manifest, i am disgusted
by these words. one fish was bright and normal sized,
the other, the one that had taken the fall, was incredibly small.
he tells me that one of them
has to stay with me
and internally,
i treat this like an unwanted pregnancy.
consciously, i have determined that i will never seek
to keep hostage animals of my own
that domesticated pets are an unreal theory to me
that i dont appreciate their mess
and that i'd simply rather
they keep natural habitat.
i respect all animals and fish
and wish them all health: i did not
at this time
want a living responsibility.

but now my younger sibling has found this
awkward fault
and i have been inflicted with the caring
of another life, as small as he is.

i felt unkind towards this.

that my mind was incredibly open
and vulnerable
at the time of interruption
and my reaction made tangible
the effects of everything swimming within me.

i cleaned the bowls and put the betas to rest in them.
i knew which one i was to keep.
he took his with him, and left me with a tiny, blue
fighter fish exploring a home
far bigger then what i first saw him in.

i ask myself if i could obtain the same meditation
but i feel my body has given up relaxation
and my spine is sitting uncomfortably now.
i look at the thing spinning itself 'round in the water
stopping and seeming to look in my direction.
i feel unkind that it has appeared, still.

i sit with myself and calm.
i sit with my eyes closed and think of existence
and how awesome it is. i feel warmer.
i have thought this entire evening through
of things much higher then i
and am now blown away
at this spontaneous turn.
that i was searching OUT
and was exploded in.
i open my eyes and look again at my new,
blue child
and he is still directed towards me
though this time
i naturally feel comforted by it, not hateful
that i did not want this for myself.
"maybe i'll take you in after all," i say and immediately weep
at the sound and honesty of my voice
of my transformation,
of the lessons of this full moon.