he doesn't get the love
just the lovin.

brilliant child if only
you were a man.

you picked me up
and held me to the air
with our faces still in meet:
they couldn't do that.

and that goddamn chair.

i was wearing the perfect clothing.
falling off strap by cotton strap,
leaned back and you,
leaning back to look at me.

dark untamed hair.
everywhere.
the both of us.

child.
if only we were us in years ahead.

i almost fell!

the thrill was actually
thrilling.

you threw the chair across the room.
i took it's place on the floor
pulled you down
for another meet.

is it wrong that i call you child?
brilliant thing.
if only
you
didn't
happen.

best a word unhealthy.

if you think of me as often
as you say you do
why won't you just
give
in?

listen, soulmate.

i'm sick, too. I'm exhausted!
too.

and for the most redundant thing:
of you.
the way you say you are of me.

how can we keep on saying the same,
perfect things
to each other?

i am SICK
and also very TIRED
of hearing it.

if you think of me often
it is nature.
you are forcing yourself
away from the natural.

why are you disrespecting her?

it was me who got shut off.
it is me still begging for mercy:
this is fucked.
why am i involved?
this is fucked beyond
my spirituality.

you spoke of men causing madmen.
wholly! you are a hypocrite.
but think no fear, i did not mean that as an offense.

you must truly despise me to your soul.
and that is why i am so fascinated.
i have never wanted to be attractive.
but if i move you
i want
desperately
to know why.

are you scared to be provoked?

i will continue.
i will not let up.
all this provocation is letting me write!
hallelujah!

Bell.

you can outdo my words
a lifetime
of times.
am i the only one who knows this?
YOU'RE ALSEEP.

WAKE UP AQUARIUS.
THIS IS YOUR DAWNING.

no. i will not let up.
stop wishing it.

i will never quit my harassment of you.
you don't want me to.
with a twist of perception i'm still acting
the way you want me.
you bloodyfuck
need
my
want.
and
i
want
you
so
bad.

hah. your soul was almost mine again.
you spoke, even, of serenade.
maybe when we're both dreaming i'll tiptoe
over to you
and you'll tell me all about it
and it will be our secret.

i have written so long about you.
i'm beginning to think my crave
is unhealthy.
i truly bash myself
for caring.

and, yes, i do say meaningless things
but not things i regret.

my mind is obviously spinning.
i simply don't want these repetitions.
those letters will become art, Bell.
CAN YOU FEEL FOR ONCE?

i promise i'll try to be logical.

i want to discover.
i've said it before:
i want to uncover.

fuck.

my mind is obviously splitting.
can you please
quit your non-thoughts
of thinking yourself unpoetic?
even if the irritation of me calls from beneath:
you
are
an
artist.

i want to know if i reach you.
if you say
you are reached
we can conquer by wordling and
by wordling foe.
earth's characters are us at this turnpoint.
i want to be universal.
i want to go out with a bang.
i want somebody greater
to keep up the art.

i want the whatfuck ideals of me
to take lost expression.
i want choas
through
meditation.

i know, i want too much.
i am not ashamed.

even on the dirt road
perspiring,
flustered, fleeting!
there is the entire world.

i have seen the mountains from the dirt.
i have taken a beautiful road
to a dirty place.
because
passion
exists.
and i believe, perhaps,
that passion is the strongest of all feelings
simply conjugated
with differences.

sedate me.
right now!
do me.
my mind needs a lotus.

the lotus has my back.

shine through!
sunray-sailor,
shine on.

i'm an escapist.
i'd invite you to escape
with me
because i think it
so
awful
romantic.
but i won't. not yet.

SHINE, BELL. SHINE.

ZIP-A-DEE-BAH-DEE-BAH-DO-BAH

I know ill probably fall in love with you
I know
Sweetly
Too kindly
I’ll probably dabble in your
Disabled
Love.

I know
We’ll meet
And aid ourselves in pleasure.
I know this.

I am
Completely
Willing.

I am completely
Reckless
And
Risking
Of your future
Discontent.

I know I’ll probably find quality in you
Though currently
There is no telling of any
Of it.

I know.
Though I don’t know you yet.

Somehow
Your story
Sets itself before me

And reckless,
Risking by the fooling tempt, I:
Know you’ll want me,
Thru all these things,
Too.

1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4.

we must get deep. we must get overfeeling for the
sensation of the word.
we must make real
our unbelievable phantasies.
the word depends on it.
this world; what a vulgar, horrid place.

god, i'd infatuate to stick her.

GOD! I don't even know your name
except
that i think
you're a community.

reaching and testing.
growing like i am now.
evolving and interpreting.
like i am now.

there is nothing wrong with you
except
that
you
live.

there is nothing wrong with me
except
that
i am
make-
believe.

it's true:
i believe that i can touch the world
with these petty,
oblivious things:
words

hey! i believe
that superficially
demons exist.
i have met several.
i have interpreted myself
as one.
i believe.

i don't believe in god.

HEY! community,
do you
have
any idea
of our potential?

in response to my own, latest post.

p.s.
when i say i hate you
as much as i love you
i mean
i love you
and that's it.

***Chapter Two (the long run)

freedom is a shadow desperate
for light.
those things lit
are burning.
i will never win.
i am erect.
i need to know how our souls
first started
here on earth.
how did we first
fuck each other over?
how did we first
fuck?
you're consuming.
my soul is euphoric with its absolute hate
of you
you.
you.
you.
freedom! bless ye, old one.
bless your children. you desperate fiend.
bless your goddamn hole. slut.
you have blessed no one in all your lives.
you have been pathetic.
and i,
i have been
even more
extreme.
Oh, i've wrecked.
But, jesus. i've uncovered.
and all i want, now,
is to take off yours.
your blanket
your clothing
your fucking gorgeous skin.
you're fuck
all
everything.
gorgeous creature! do you know what?
i melt all over you.
i cringe in shivers of adoration.
i shiver in the sensation of Cringe.
you're bloody awful.
you're more manly than any of the men
i've tolerated.
and still, you're the kind
that bleeds.
your curves. your cunt. fuck.
do you dare adventure?
do you DARE externalize?
you are filled with darkness.
do you know why i'm taken?
because lovers fuck in the dark.
you creature. you monster. you thing.
you everything, you anything.

dollface.

i know you hate me dearly.
i know, clearly,
you can see me and read me without
the printed words.
we're each in a torture device
fashioned by the other.
i could not, at this fathom point
(six feet under)
imagine my days with you
the way we were.
i'll take your word and keep myself at blame
so i can continue loving you.
so i can continue in my childishly-attached mode
so that i never actually
want to run
from you.

i've been running a lot lately.
i SWEAR to the Spirit i would not
have left home
if it wasn't for your contaminous mischief.
i ran.
i learned the trick
solely from you.
souly
from you.
others have left me.
i have written over them.
i have mocked human emotion.
sadly i find myself on earth again.
sadly,
i believe it was to follow you.
so you couldn't live this pain
alone.
so i could again want more:
and want,
and want! terribly.
fuck, lady.
you keep me in want of men.

i was asked several sleeps ago
what, exactly,
i searched for in a lover.
i had never been asked a question so simple.
and i, simply:
i want someone i know
i wouldn't mind hurting.
it would be how i'd know
their worth.
it'd be how i'd know
the fuck
was for love.

hey!
pisces.

i'm like you.

the things we say
we say it just for kicks.
the things we feel...
man,
we keep them to ourselves
as open as
those feelings are.

your ex-girlfriend hates me
and she's related to my ex
best friend.

fuck.
what a mess.

we all think
it's
such
a
big
goddamn
mess.

and we flow.

we kissed each other
on the lips!
pisces,

i know
you.

i know you know me.

now what
about the ex's?

yeah,
you're right.
fuck
them.

even if
we both
still
love them.

the way my mother found out about my latest tattoo

trying on ribbon bras behind red velvet curtains
she wanted to see
okay,
but i have to tell you something first.

i got a new tattoo.

she: WHAT? comes into the change room.

stares
me
down.

she: you're trouble.

this is not a poem.

all hail!

tripping fool.

what would this world be like
if never the touch of further worlds got me
and further gone i
further going
though my mind says already:
enough.

would the streets be the same?
or less tasteful

i think perhaps
all this will grow to shamefulness
that my subject matter of waves
must when i become mother
turn to flesh.

i will speak of things uncolourful. like sex.
i will bed the earthly thing and kind,
like love.

my drug habits are not for the infamous.
stop that.
i want spirituality.
now go.

firstly
the colours got me there
really, to godlihood and soul
now my real age is catching up
to the age of my mind.
and i feel old.
i am 19.

i have expanded.
it isn't clever but full of Know.
i have completed my personal training:
and now, i naturally
think
in
feeling.

joy!
oh
fucking
bloody joy.

hahahah!

fooling trip.

i am so excited
to continue this way of evolution
and to evolve!
but to what?

there have been successes
without direction.
there have been failures
by paved, clean-cut road.
there have been
all who fit inbetween.

i speak so obviously
to remind myself
that any road i desire or choose
is a road that will get me
to me.

what's surviving anyway?

op P eye&you mm

local show, Vancouver.
i put my red wig on.
we walk to an east-side cafe--
these streets are perpetually dirty.
adicts kicking garbage cans,
adicts in garbage for shelter.
i see it from this window, where i sit
perched on a high bar stool,
writing in anticipation of the upcoming sounds.

these streets, man.

this person has passed this corner already
walking the block to busy his time,
and constantly walking to busy his time.
and i watch that one
who i came with
leave the place to fetch a munch
and i watch him as if
he was a perfect stranger, too: what
are my impressions?
he sure is youthful. not only young, i say,
but also full of youth.

i had a friend mention opium this evening
back at the apartment
she said she'd make a call
now
what kind of write
would that cause me deeply?
a sensation i know
i'd never be able to match
a sensation
i'd get over with
as soon as i were able.

terrible euphoria.

the boy says he's addicted already,
before even his first pull
i think about the mother drug.
i continue to stare out the window
wearing my doll-cut plastic hair.
i become my surrounding space.
i see him walking back now,
what are my impressions?

hey, failure,
where are you escaping to now?
home? BACK home?
i thought that was the shank.
i thought the GET OUT was the getting away
from there.
have strangers wronged you, doll?
i have to relate,
i'm glad to see you so godawful sad.
you're so humanly,
and so hurt,
and maybe soon we'll both think it beautiful.
maybe,
this was you planting yourself in this land
and in the new year
you'll come back and be in full bloom.
you don't need those strangers,
but you do need people.
you know that more than anything.
and, i know,
it's exactly the reason why you run.
so keep running, doll!
that girl taught you well, how to GO.
even in tears,
this is your path.
you've had laughs here, too,
don't forget.
but how could i?

laugh
cry
cry
Laugh.

hastings consumption

horny goat weed tea says: (8:02:54 PM)
its so infatuating. i've seen the most disgusting looking living conditions and people who look half rotten but still walking and fucking needles on the ground, and anorexic prostitutes in five inch neon heels in the east

horny goat weed tea says: (8:03:54 PM)
to right exactly where i work, Hasting West, the trendy high class business part of the city right under the habour centre across the street from Versace

horny goat weed tea says: (8:04:16 PM)
you'd think you were a million miles away

the sal !!! says: (8:04:20 PM)
it is the world compressed into a street

horny goat weed tea says: (8:04:20 PM)
at either point

horny goat weed tea says: (8:04:26 PM)
maaaan

blitzeite!

the i socket in the wall just gave be a blast
it was a pulse, i felt it
the electricity was like a bubbly air
and it took my head a shock
to understand i was being attacked
i instantly felt an overall buzz, a high,
an awfully intense one
and unpleasant though telling.
Informative to this creature
sheer harnessed nature.

now, i retaliate. i listen to the flashes outside
i brew, and consume
tea for my life pressure
i've mellowed.
i've replaced that high with a
far
greater
high.

i listen to the newborn silence
to the dark holding me
and type.

(an attempt to put an unpoetic type of event into poetics, in this case
getting electrocuted while trying to take my lamp
outta the socket
because i accidentally kicked it over
and collected it up to glue it back together...
which happened just now)

Reworking the Word

today at the cafe i may have discovered humanity
i may have sought thru the sunrays
and dispelled all previous darkness.
what if my mind does not come back down?
maybe i have it in me to do something terribe
incapable love,
noble and unhumanly,
brethren, kindful be.
i'm sure i know what it means when a writer says:
i saw their soul.
i've completely overtaken.
i've made a mess: savage!
of these downward constellations.
diamond destination,
like the shining silver streets of drunkards
and lame prostitutes
like the flaming actually-there
and nurturing nature
this world is so numb:
she's a woman in pain.
do you know a woman in pain?
you've lived in one,
you live on one.
she's young and tough like me:
breakable.
young and reckless! this world,
growing
up too fast to match the ancient stars
and worldly
for Worldly's sake.
worldly for the world.
a believable one
because the story is rich and
unbelieveable.
rich in nothing but poverty!
and rich,
like the water
and like the matching sky.

today at the cafe i may have discovered humanity.
it may have been real.

just now II

blindly,
i jump
fuck, i jump
and scream about it
hear me:
i am blind!

aye, sailor
i know ye
and i've trapped myself
with your presence.
you fly in your dreams,
don't you?

i'm gathering at your persons
and still
i cannot see you.

where Princess and Hastings E meet

Maybe we won't talk
about this, either
Maybe,
talk will only
destroy us
that the whole being
of relationship is stirred
by wordling
and, that certainly,
a gorgeous thing
of oblivion
is sex.

maybe the body doesn't matter
maybe it really
doesn't matter
and the flaws of flesh and blush
to not exist
in the vision of mad love.

mindful be, Saint Vulgar
treat me like the treat
treat me, i will suppress my anxiety
i will worship.

my gross is more than just
my human, Saint
i
have
a
major
gross:
i not only desire perfection
but believe its out there.

the seedling
gets planted
in my hand
because you
know we're
all
animals
you know the bite
bugs hard.
like being out-of-your-mind
and screaming like
you're out-of-your-mind.

sound
sound

this old onion
this old, rotting lemon
this
old
woman.

you know, the mountain
is a cave
to the otherworld?
you know talking isn't true?

the conrad goes east gathering

she drags
swallow and deep
like i've never seen
and he's retracting:
there is a snake,
there is an act, it's in that corner
over there--noise like bliss
is certainly conceived.
i can't part-take in this tribal fest
so i sketch them
gorgeous souls by word:
chills.

i drag
i drag once more, and toke
swallow and deep
there are layers like creation
here in this room.

i'm not envious of their talents,
i only desire to match theirs
in my passion.

wonderful drag.

snap snap snap snap

PART TWO

and my.
godsome folk.
there's the device
and the other device
and the boy acting silly

my smokes, doll, they're
my smokes too.

you're lovely! you and your selfish demands,
and i'm talking about the lot of us
we're all tired--
the high will bring you down to a restful low
and scene-be-sacred,
i swear i dream only when i'm awake.